Dungeons & Dragons can be the source for many great laughs, here’s a collection of my best ones. I hope that you will share your best/funniest D&D moments with me. Warning: Explicit content.
“I think I know what it is, I have it right on my tongue, let me taste to be sure…” One of the players, after a failed nature check, picking up a pile of bat-poop.
The players (all level 3) was searching through a burned-down inn, when a single Ogre discovered their less than stealthy scavenging. Combat ensures, one player gets hit with a javelin for 15 damage, but as the players mostly stay at range, they defeat the Ogre pretty easily.
DM: The Ogre gurgles and falls over on it’s back, dead as a stone.
Player: I go closer to it.
DM (thinking player wishes to loot): The Ogre doesn’t appear to have anything other than it’s javelins and it’s loincloth.
Player: What gender is the Ogre?
DM: Uhh… (thinking) It is male… Why do you ask?
Player: What would I need to roll in order to place an incense-stick into it’s urethra and light it?
DM, slightly disturbed: Uhh… I mean… The Ogre is dead, it’s not like it would require a roll to do that… but… Do you REALLY want to do that?
Player, already describing the scene in detail: Yep!
The party is trying to break into the manor of a certain L. GaGa, in order to steal a priced dagger. Knocking out the guards, and dressing up as them, the party entered the kitchen, under the guise of inspecting for poisons (party Cleric is a Dwarf, Dwarves are resistant to poison damage). Entering the pantry, the party rolls perception check to see if they can find anything of interest.
Cleric: I rolled a natural 1.
DM: You spot a massive wheel of cheese, a keg of ale and a long string of smoked sausages.
Cleric: Screw the dagger, this is the REAL treasure!
Later, the party enters a seemingly empty room, another perception check.
Cleric: I rolled a natural 20.
DM: You see all the traps and a chest that is licking it’s tongue, preparing for a meal.
Cleric: MY SIGHT IS POWERED BY SAUSAGEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
A low-level party is trying to avoid alerting all he goblins within a stronghold. The Tiefling Warlock reads through the description of the spell Thaumaturgy (which is a cantrip that Tieflings get at level 1).
Warlock: “So… It says I can slam opened doors shut, as well as open an unlocked door instantaneously…”
The Warlock then proceeds to slam the door, till a single Goblin notices the commotion. Once the Goblin gets outside the door, the Warlock shuts the door behind it, and the party, all holding actions, goes in for the mauling of this Goblin. This pattern continues about 3-4 more times, until only unarmed Goblins are present within the room.
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